The Funbag Loophole
by Smileyfax
Summary: Harry and Luna go back in time to Harry's first year in order to undo a great wrong (and maybe save some lives too).
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter loved Luna Lovegood.

You could say that she eventually won him over through her gentle nature, her inquisitive mind, or her beautiful, sad smile.

But you'd be totally wrong because it was her funbags.

You see, shortly after kicking Voldemort's pale ass at the Battle of Hogwarts, Luna had a growth spurt in her funbag area, the results of which gave Harry a big growth spurt. In his pants. I'm talking about his penis. Anyway, once Harry saw that Luna had big funbags, he promptly dumped Ginny Weasley (whose funbags were just above mediocre) and asked Luna out. It played out in the Great Hall, during the first week back on Harry's seventh proper year at Hogwarts.

He started off simple: "Luna, I was just wondering -"

"Harry, you seem to be grabbing my left funbag," Luna pointed out.

Harry looked down and, indeed, by its own accord, his right hand had reached up and taken firm hold of Luna's left funbag.

"Oh God, Luna, I'm so sorry, I -"

"Shh," Luna shushed him, finger to his lips. (It should be noted that Harry had yet to remove his hand from the funbag). "It's okay, Harry, you can touch them."

"But Luna, the thing is -" Harry realized his other hand had leapt up, and both were now squeezing and kneading the funbags of his friend.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Ginny Weasley roared, marching up behind them, her face as red as her hair.

I should point out that Harry hasn't yet properly dumped Ginny yet, nor has he asked out Luna, so this is all consistent with my earlier narration.

"Hello, Ginny. Harry appears to be playing with my funbags," Luna casually told her.

"Funbags? FUNBAGS?" She grasped Harry's ear and twisted it violently as she jerked his head towards hers. "Listen to me very closely, Harry. Walk away from Luna right this instant, or we're through."

Harry looked from Luna (and her magnificent funbags) to Ginny (and her middling funbags). "Can we still be friends?"

Ginny, still fuming, glanced at Luna. "Yes, Harry, you can still be friends with Luna, if you don't go grabbing her -"

"No," Harry cut her off. "I mean, can you and I still be friends. Because I'm sorry, but I just don't see us working out."

Ginny let out an inarticulate shriek and stormed off. Harry, now with less distraction, turned his full attention to Luna (and her funbags). "So, like I was trying to say earlier, Luna...would you like to go out with me?"

"I'd love that, Harry," she said with a smile.

Meanwhile, Rolf Scamander died alone. Hahahahahaha.

XXXX

Their first date was at Hogsmeade that weekend.

Well, officially, anyway. Unofficially, Harry spent every moment he wasn't at class with Luna, hands firmly on funbags.

The school prefects weren't too pleased with this, as you can imagine. Refusing to give Harry leeway for being the savior of the wizarding world, he eventually brought his case to Headmistress McGonagall.

"Mr. Potter, you can't honestly expect me to allow you to go around fondling Miss Lovegood!" She was just as strict as the prefects.

"But Professor, er, Headmistress, there's nothing in the school rules about it!"

McGonagall's eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. "Really? I suppose, then, that every detention ever handed out for a couple caught in an out-of-the-way broom closet was unjust?"

"Headmistress, the Hogwarts code of conduct states that no student shall engage in sexual contact on school grounds," Luna pointed out. "When Harry grabs my funbags, that's not sexual."

McGonagall blinked once, slowly, almost as if to ensure she were not in a bizarre dream. "Miss Lovegood, do you care to explain your reasoning?"

"Funbags aren't sex organs. They're merely secondary sexual characteristics. It's the same if I grabbed Harry's Adam's apple."

The Headmistress felt a strong headache coming on. The thing was, she was pretty sure that, by Luna's interpretation, they fell within the letter of the law, if not the spirit. (Actually, it was Hermione's interpretation - she had figured out the Funbag Loophole, as it came to be known, as a way to get Ron to come back to Hogwarts for his proper seventh year. Of course, they weren't as brazen about their funbaggery as Harry and Luna were).

She turned away from them, looking at the wall of portraits of past headmasters behind her, wondering if any of them had sage advice. Sadly, they all seemed to be laughing, or stifling a laugh, at her expense. Even Severus Snape had an uncharacteristic smirk on his face. Seeing that they would be of no help, she turned back around to find Harry motorboating Luna.

"Pbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpb pb," Harry said. A pleased smile was on Luna's face.

"Mister Potter!" McGonagall said, indignant.

And that's how Harry got the Funbag Loophole closed.

XXXX

As I was saying, their first date was at Hogsmeade.

"It's not fair!" Harry wailed aloud. Luna was sitting quite firmly into his lap, and his hands were massaging her funbags. She wiggled her bottom appreciatively as she sipped at a pumpkin juice. (They had rented a room at the Three Broomsticks, so no nosy asshole could tell them to do otherwise). "McGonagall shouldn't have forbidden the Funbag Loophole! She's as bad as Umbridge ever was!"

"Now now, Harry," Luna said, turning around somewhat and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "You still have your invisibility cloak," she pointed out. "Remember how we got under that and you played with my funbags in the Great Hall every breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Headmistress McGonagall never knew a thing."

Harry nodded, pulling her closer (by her funbags) for comfort. "Yeah, but still, it's the principle of the thing." He moped in silence for a moment longer. Then: "I bet Dumbledore would have kept the loophole." Ominously, thunder thundered outside. (And of course, it was preceded by lightning, but Harry didn't notice that part 'cause he was concentrating deeply on the injustice of not being able to play with funbags, whilst playing with funbags).

"I wish Dumbledore were alive too, Harry. I like it when you squish my funbags in public." She turned and gave him another kiss on the cheek.

Harry lost himself in thought for a while. "Man, I love Luna's funbags," being the thought. Slowly, though, what Luna said took seed into Harry's brain, and before long, a crazy, impossible idea formed in Harry's head.

"Luna...what if we were to go back in time?"

"To do what, Harry?"

"To save Dumbledore's life."

"Oh! And to save everybody else who was killed by Voldemort, too. I love it, Harry." She kissed him again, this time on the lips since he was such a thoughtful young man.

"Well, I guess we can do that too, but I'm mainly in it for the Funbag Loophole."

"So am I, Harry." She leaned back this time, head resting on Harry's shoulder, and they looked into each other's eyes and kissed (and engaged in funbag-related activities). 


	2. Chapter 2

"Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, this is my wife, Luna," Harry said, introducing the Past Dursleys to Luna.

The journey to the past had taken three years. It probably would have only taken one if Harry had spent more time buried in books and less time buried in Luna's funbags, and really, why would he sacrifice present funbags for future funbags in the past?

Hermione had helped, but not at first. She was initially skeptical of Harry's plan to reinstate the Funbag Loophole since he would only be a year without funbag experience (not counting his constant disregard of the rules by use of his invisibility cloak), but decided to throw in her considerable research prowess after Ron became a Dark Lord due to funbag deprivation (Hermione wouldn't break a school rule if her life depended on it, so once he discovered the sole reason for his return to Hogwarts was gone, Ron began slaughtering muggles out of frustration).

It was discovered that the only viable means of travelling farther into the past than a standard time turner normally allowed involved switching places with their past selves, meaning the child-aged Harry and Luna would end up in the present. Hermione promised to keep a close eye on them, and so Harry and Luna traveled to the past.

(They also got married at some point during all this, hence Harry introducing Luna as his wife up there. The most notable thing about the ceremony was that Harry managed to avoid grabbing Luna's funbags almost the whole time, finally giving it both hands once Hagrid (who ordained the wedding) said "Alrigh' Harry, you go on and kiss Luna now.")

XXXX

Where were we? Ah yes, the Past Dursleys.

After ensuring that Luna's mother wouldn't reach a tragic fate, Harry took Luna back to Little Whinging to live temporarily, just to make sure the blood wards were set for that year. (They probably were, but Harry didn't want to take any undue risks...besides, annoying his relatives by forcing them to put up with him and Luna was too fun).

"Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, this is my wife, Luna."

"Boy..." Vernon rumbled in his warning tone.

"Harry, how can you be married? You're only ten!" Petunia pointed out.

"It's quite simple, Aunt Petunia," Harry reassured her, sitting between his aunt and uncle and putting a friendly arm around each. (He had Petrified both of them so that they would have to listen to him). "You see, I'm from the future. About ten years, to be exact. And I came back to right a terrible injustice."

"Is this about that...thing that killed Lily?" she asked.

Harry shook his head. "No, Aunt Petunia. You see, I was forbidden from touching my own wife's funbags in Hogwarts."

"...Excuse me?"

"Yeah, I know, ridiculous, right? I mean, sure, we weren't married at the time, but...haha, oh yeah, we still look like children. I was going to tell you to look at her funbags and ask if I would ever consider being with another woman, but we charmed ourselves to look the way we did during this time period."

"I came up with the spell myself," Luna added. She waved her wand over herself and suddenly she was 20 years old, a foot taller, and funbags jutting out from her chest. After giving Harry's shocked aunt and uncle a moment to take her in and look all shocked, she waved her wand and Harry, too, was now an adult (really, he was keeping an eye on her funbags, and it was just gross to be ogled by a ten year old, even if he was her husband under it).

"So...you're from the future?" she asked, trying to clear away the mental cobwebs that Harry's extended sequence had given her. Harry nodded in confirmation. "And for...some reason...you both decided to look like children?"

"Oh, it's for stealth purposes," Harry explained. "People don't suspect kids to do the shit we have planned to shake up the future."

"I won't allow such freakishness in my house!" Vernon declared angrily.

"Now, now, Uncle Vernon," Harry chided lightly, squeezing his uncle in a hug just to make the man uncomfortable. "If I don't stay here, then the blood wards which protect this place will collapse, and the people who followed Voldemort and escaped going to prison will know, and they'll come here, and they'll ask you about me, and then you will die terribly. I know this wasn't exactly the warmest of home environments, but you guys did still put a roof over my head, and fed me, and made sure I went to school, and you even got me my first pair of glasses. I just want to return the favor and look out for you two."

Humbled and ashamed, Petunia was sorely reminded of Lily. "Okay, Harry," she finally consented.

"Petunia -" Vernon began, but was cut off.

"Vernon, it's final." The steel in Petunia's voice boded no argument.

Vernon grunted, then remained silent for a long moment. "Fine," he finally said. "But you are to remain in your room at all times!" He was referring to Dudley's former second room; Harry had already taken the liberty of moving Dudley's belongings out of there, and had made it entirely clear to Vernon that he and Luna would not be rooming in the cupboard under the stairs.

"Yay!" Luna squealed in joy, and Vernon regretted his words, but it was too late, as Harry stood from the couch, Luna leaping into his arms, and he marched up the stairs with her, one hand already getting some under-the-shirt funbag action.

After a few moments, the Dursleys realized Harry had forgotten to lift the magic freezing them to the couch. Petunia almost called for them, until excited shouts began coming down from upstairs, and they decided it best to wait until Harry and Luna were...less excited.

They had a long wait. 


End file.
